i had a dream ...

yes, i had a dream. i was sitting all alone, enjoying the beach, basking in the warmth of the morning sun. i was reading a book, and i would look out into the blue of the sea and drown my eyes in its coolness. there's a father and child who was near me. it was a very nice day.
the kid comes up to me. i look up at him, he was such a beautiful child. big eyes, skin so pink and flushed, you just wanna kiss him and hug him. he just kept looking at me, and i suddenly felt love and longing, wishing this kid was mine. he said something in spanish. i don't really speak the language, but i can understand a bit of it. but what he said was something that i refused to believe he really said to me. so i just kept thinking, he's really saying some other thing. i just smile at him. and he says the same thing, but this time like he's affirming it to himself. His father comes up to us. the father says "did you understand what he just told you?" i look up. such resemblance, like the kid that was in front of me suddenly summoned his future self.
"i sort of understand ... but it's not very clear" i replied to the man. he asked me what it was that i sort of understand. i laughed. "it's silly ... i don't think it was what he really said." the man just kept smiling at me. so i told him. "your child seems to think i'm the angel who sang to him in his dream." the man beamed at me. "yes, that was what he said." and he just kept smiling at me. "oh that's very nice ... " was all i could say. i just kept thinking ... somebody's pulling a prank on me. the child was now touching my hand, and he was reaching up to my hair. he said something again, but i was just so embarassed to be in that situation that this time, i really did not understand him at all. the father puts his arm around his child, and sits next to me. the child just kept playing with my hair and kept saying "mi angel".
"you know ..." the man started talking to me again, but i sensed some sort of hesitation in his voice...

then i woke up. hope this dream continues tonight in my sleep ...

sentimental musings

we just had a party ... and everyone was drunk, and merry ... and getting more drunk as the hours passed. it also was a well documented event ... there were a lot of photos that should not have been taken in the first place :-) too bad some pics got deleted, and those pics were taken when we were all not sooo drunk yet. i had a blast, and looking at the photos, i think we all did. we were celebrating a lot of things ... birthdays that we were not able to celebrate, halloween ... and most importantly, another year has passed and big wave is still going strong. now i'm starting to feel a little sentimental here. so many things has happened, so many heartbreaks, but as ritchie said the heartbreaks turned out to be blessings in disguise. i'm so happy with the current team that we have. everyone's just so good at their assigned tasks, and unlike before, i really feel like we are working as a team. but i'm scared also, because as another cliche goes, most good things never last. but hey, why do i even have to think about things like that. me and ritchie will always get by, no matter what :-) and i'm really just so thankful now, so thankful ... thank you big wave, for giving my life an extra ooomph :-)

30 and fab...or so i wish

well yeah, here i am 30 years old. at the back of my mind, that cynical devil side of me keeps on hissing "look at you, 30, and look at you ... what and who are you?" not that i pay attention to her all the time ... though i gotta admit she's one pesky and insistent little brat. i mean, who am i kidding right? i'm 30 years old and none of the things i planned for myself when i was, say 16, ever really happened. not that i'm blaming myself or anyone for that matter... well okay i blame myself, but just a little. ever since i was young, big dreams formed just a teensy weensy part of me. the rest was rested firmly on the real world, and i was just one happy camper, carefree, one of the so-called happy-go-lucky kids who takes bad luck in stride and everything else like a walk in the park. then when i grew older, specifically during my college days, i grew more cynical and jaded and full of existential angst i thought the world owed me something. but still, even at those times i've always thought it will all pass, that when i get older, i'll be calmer and all my angst will be washed away by the kindness of time and the natural river of life -- all stones eventually get eroded away into nonexistence. but here i am 30, and i still snack on angst and bitter melancholic songs on moonless nights when there is nothing to chew on but my fingertips. don't get me wrong though. i'm generally "happy" ... great boyfriend, our own business at this age ... parents who love me more now, well because they don't see me everyday. (now i know, cliche as it seems, absence does make the heart grow fonder.) a sister who'd do anything for me (another case of absence makes ... you know the rest)... sometimes i guess i wonder, as we all do i bet, how time flew so fast?

in the middle

i miss my bestfriend. her name is toni. she lives now at the great u.s of a, and is in fact already an american citizen. too much distance and culture divides us now, or so it seems. she called me a while ago. and it felt like she was just there at their old house in kamuning, and we were just two giggly girls talking about the boys that flutter in and out of our lives. it brought back feelings of excitement, of great expectations and even greater disappointments, of all the firsts in our lives that make up most of our inner psyche now, that inner psyche that essentially makes up the basis of all our judgement calls. what i miss most about our younger years would be that warm, tingly, nervous-wrecking, exciting feeling of anticipation that something or someone is out there, something like a great bar with great music and great people and you can just drink your night away and have fun and be fun and just be your crazy silly self. someone like that not-so-cute guy sitting on the bar, but full of attitude and bad boy looks and okay enough smile, and you're seriously hoping he would be great to talk to, and it would be an even bigger bonus if he'd be a good kisser later on. we were always anticipating for something to happen, for someone to happen, and something always does. we always had a good time, for me at least for even if "someone" did not happen, i always always had fun with my friends, good or bad times, it didn't matter. sigh sigh sigh. those days are gone now of course. each of us burdened with so-called grown up responsibilities. we are always in the middle of something, not like before when it felt like we were always on the verge of something. words like carefree and mirth and fun were like coins jingling in our pocket, ready to be doled out every time we needed to buy candy. but those were the days, and these are the days. it's not so bad to be in the middle. you can always go back or go forward. or stay, and anticipate the next step that you'll take. these are the days, these are the days. and that's all there is to it.