crazy dancing circles

song playing in the background: oo by updharmadown

black. silence. tanananananan ... soft fade in of this bittersweet song. smoke. a cigarette. a hand. slowly a face. you. half hidden. in shadow.

‘Di mo lang alam
Naiiisip kita
Baka sakali lang maisip mo ako
‘Di mo lang alam
Hanggang sa gabi inaasam makita kang muli

halfway through your life. crazy dancing circles. same stories different people. same shit different time. wondering if there's a way out of. crazy dancing circles. round and round. bouncing backward sideways forward backwards backwards backwards ... struggling to bounce forward. bounce far. away from all these craziness. but always, like a small damselfy to a sundew, always always falling into the same trap. inspite of knowing that behind the sweet scent and sugar taste, is a darkness waiting to consume you. the uncertainty of it all. why is it so damn addicting?

Nagtapos ang lahat sa di inaasahang pahanon
At ngayon ako ay iyong iniwan
Luhaan, sugatan, ‘di mapakinabangan
Sana nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam
Sana’y nagtanong ka lang
Kung ‘di mo lang alam

Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Hindi mo lang alam
Kay tagal na panahon
Ako’y nandirito pa rin hanggang ngayon para sa’yo

words. cruel. why was there ever a need for such hurtful things to exist? why do we have that power to use ... words ... cruel ... only to drown ourselves in regret. hoping to snatch back the pain. throw it back to nothingness. why do we lose things we don't want to lose. why can't we lose the things we so desperately have to be free of. you could have just said something. anything. you could have asked. but you were a fool. still a fool. always a fool.

Lumipas mga araw na ubod ng saya
‘Di pa rin nagbabago ang aking pagsinta
Kung ako’y nagkasala patawad na sana
Puso kong pagal ngayon lang nagmahal

melancholy baby. drowning in salt. you. there was a time. you. under the summer moon. mirth springing forth. there wasn't even a need for rain. like magic. things just grew. there was just you. giving life and color and vibrancy. it was splendid. dazzling. but melancholy baby ... it was so swift. there it was. the vast black universe. you were powerless. against such a force, you are powerless.

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
‘Di mo lang alam
Ika’y minamasdan
Sana’y iyong mamalayang hindi mo lang pala alam

you. still half-hidden. in shadow. the soft glow of your cigarette. seductive. deadly in its softness. you looking at them. wondering why it couldn't have been you. you. so wrong. you decided you were just so wrong. it was going to be suicide. everything and everyone around you. in that vast black universe. you couldn't risk it. better just you.

‘Di mo lang alam
Kahit tayo’y magkaibigan lang
Napapaligaya lang sa tuwing nagkukulitan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Ako’y nandito lang
Hindi mo lang alam
Matalino ka naman

did intelligence, in this game of yours, ever count for anything? maybe. it got you away from them. but you're still a fool. pretending those smiles don't mean anything. pretending you don't dream. pretending there are no stolen glances. no secret smiles.

Kung ikaw at ako
Ay tunay na bigo sa laro na ito
Ay dapat bang sumuko
Sana hindi ka lang pala aking nakilala
Kung alam ko lang ako’y masasaktan ng ganito
Sana’y nakinig na lang ako sa nanay ko

no matter how many times you ask why. it's there. no one can stop it. but you. but you just refuse. the darkness is just so fucking addicting.

‘Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan
Baka sakali lang maisip mo naman
Puro s’ya na lang
Sana’y ako naman
Isang kindat man lang
‘Di mo lang alam
O, ika’y minamasdan
Sana iyo’y mamalayang di mo lang pala alam
Oooooooo

smoke fading. the faintest glow. from your cigarette. it's almost gone. still in shadow. will you please get up? don't choose misery. it will never leave you alone. unless you leave it. lose it. you have to get up now. up and out of the shadow.

Malas mo
Ikaw ang natipuhan ko
Di mo lang alam
Ako’y iyong nasaktan

dont' be a fool. a fool within crazy dancing circles. just going around and around, same shit, in different disguises. if they can not love you back, malas nila. get out of the shadow. you. bounce, leap forward, fly. don't ever look back.

light. dazzling. forever. this bittersweet song. totaly faded out.

sana.

carousel (i miss you) by paramita

this song just keeps playing over and over in my head ...

Carousel (I Miss You)

hey, i thought of you today
i thought that i should tell you
how much i miss you
remember what you used to say
"friends forever, i hope that we'll remain this way.. oh.."

all this time, i've been thinkin' bout the way we used to play\the promises we made..
you're everywhere i go i can't escape you,
when i close my eyes i see you
even in my sleep i think of you.. oh..
i miss you..

can we put the blame on the changing times?
where have all the years gone by?
so fast, so young,
so sure that this will never end
i'll always stand by you, my friend
but forever was just too long..

reality bites

Troy: There's no point to any of this. It's all just a... a random lottery of meaningless tragedy and a series of near escapes. So I take pleasure in the details. You know... a quarter-pounder with cheese, those are good, the sky about ten minutes before it starts to rain, the moment where your laughter becomes a cackle... and I sit back and I smoke my Camel Straights and I ride my own melt.
***
my version
There may be or may not be a point to any of this. Maybe it's indeed all just a random lottery of meaningless tragedy or a series of near escapes ... or maybe good or bad things happen because they have to, to get us to where we want to go, by choice of course ... but chance and luck and fate and destiny and soul mates, those are nice concepts to believe also. even if realistically speaking, they may be just concepts. that fuckin' cliche, it's not the destination, but the journey itself, the getting there and all things encountered therein that's most important -- maybe quite shitty to admit that it 's true, but it is essentially true most of the time. So I also take pleasure in the details. You know ... a bowl of fruit loops with fresh milk, those are good, lying on the beach looking up at the starlit sky, the moment when you first realize the first intimations of love -- stolen glances and secret smiles, good friends, cold booze, cigs and great music after a hard day's work, quiet nights, cool and serene with just the soft lapping of the ocean waves and the warm glow of a candle lit room lulling you to sleep, the full moon, the bright yellow of the sun, a bird taking refuge on your windowsill during a lazy rainy sunday afternoon, a surprise phone call from your bestfriend, the pain and excitement of not being sure about something, taking a risk, taking that great leap into the unknown, the smell and sound and words and visions of FREEDOM, immersing yourself in a really good book, rocking till your ears bleed, bob marley assuring you that everything is indeed going to be alright, laughing so hard and so loud people stop and stare at you and think you're one crazy loose woman ... and I sit back and I smoke whatever there is to smoke (except menthol please) ... and I dance to my own groove.

i had a dream ...

yes, i had a dream. i was sitting all alone, enjoying the beach, basking in the warmth of the morning sun. i was reading a book, and i would look out into the blue of the sea and drown my eyes in its coolness. there's a father and child who was near me. it was a very nice day.
the kid comes up to me. i look up at him, he was such a beautiful child. big eyes, skin so pink and flushed, you just wanna kiss him and hug him. he just kept looking at me, and i suddenly felt love and longing, wishing this kid was mine. he said something in spanish. i don't really speak the language, but i can understand a bit of it. but what he said was something that i refused to believe he really said to me. so i just kept thinking, he's really saying some other thing. i just smile at him. and he says the same thing, but this time like he's affirming it to himself. His father comes up to us. the father says "did you understand what he just told you?" i look up. such resemblance, like the kid that was in front of me suddenly summoned his future self.
"i sort of understand ... but it's not very clear" i replied to the man. he asked me what it was that i sort of understand. i laughed. "it's silly ... i don't think it was what he really said." the man just kept smiling at me. so i told him. "your child seems to think i'm the angel who sang to him in his dream." the man beamed at me. "yes, that was what he said." and he just kept smiling at me. "oh that's very nice ... " was all i could say. i just kept thinking ... somebody's pulling a prank on me. the child was now touching my hand, and he was reaching up to my hair. he said something again, but i was just so embarassed to be in that situation that this time, i really did not understand him at all. the father puts his arm around his child, and sits next to me. the child just kept playing with my hair and kept saying "mi angel".
"you know ..." the man started talking to me again, but i sensed some sort of hesitation in his voice...

then i woke up. hope this dream continues tonight in my sleep ...

sentimental musings

we just had a party ... and everyone was drunk, and merry ... and getting more drunk as the hours passed. it also was a well documented event ... there were a lot of photos that should not have been taken in the first place :-) too bad some pics got deleted, and those pics were taken when we were all not sooo drunk yet. i had a blast, and looking at the photos, i think we all did. we were celebrating a lot of things ... birthdays that we were not able to celebrate, halloween ... and most importantly, another year has passed and big wave is still going strong. now i'm starting to feel a little sentimental here. so many things has happened, so many heartbreaks, but as ritchie said the heartbreaks turned out to be blessings in disguise. i'm so happy with the current team that we have. everyone's just so good at their assigned tasks, and unlike before, i really feel like we are working as a team. but i'm scared also, because as another cliche goes, most good things never last. but hey, why do i even have to think about things like that. me and ritchie will always get by, no matter what :-) and i'm really just so thankful now, so thankful ... thank you big wave, for giving my life an extra ooomph :-)

30 and fab...or so i wish

well yeah, here i am 30 years old. at the back of my mind, that cynical devil side of me keeps on hissing "look at you, 30, and look at you ... what and who are you?" not that i pay attention to her all the time ... though i gotta admit she's one pesky and insistent little brat. i mean, who am i kidding right? i'm 30 years old and none of the things i planned for myself when i was, say 16, ever really happened. not that i'm blaming myself or anyone for that matter... well okay i blame myself, but just a little. ever since i was young, big dreams formed just a teensy weensy part of me. the rest was rested firmly on the real world, and i was just one happy camper, carefree, one of the so-called happy-go-lucky kids who takes bad luck in stride and everything else like a walk in the park. then when i grew older, specifically during my college days, i grew more cynical and jaded and full of existential angst i thought the world owed me something. but still, even at those times i've always thought it will all pass, that when i get older, i'll be calmer and all my angst will be washed away by the kindness of time and the natural river of life -- all stones eventually get eroded away into nonexistence. but here i am 30, and i still snack on angst and bitter melancholic songs on moonless nights when there is nothing to chew on but my fingertips. don't get me wrong though. i'm generally "happy" ... great boyfriend, our own business at this age ... parents who love me more now, well because they don't see me everyday. (now i know, cliche as it seems, absence does make the heart grow fonder.) a sister who'd do anything for me (another case of absence makes ... you know the rest)... sometimes i guess i wonder, as we all do i bet, how time flew so fast?

in the middle

i miss my bestfriend. her name is toni. she lives now at the great u.s of a, and is in fact already an american citizen. too much distance and culture divides us now, or so it seems. she called me a while ago. and it felt like she was just there at their old house in kamuning, and we were just two giggly girls talking about the boys that flutter in and out of our lives. it brought back feelings of excitement, of great expectations and even greater disappointments, of all the firsts in our lives that make up most of our inner psyche now, that inner psyche that essentially makes up the basis of all our judgement calls. what i miss most about our younger years would be that warm, tingly, nervous-wrecking, exciting feeling of anticipation that something or someone is out there, something like a great bar with great music and great people and you can just drink your night away and have fun and be fun and just be your crazy silly self. someone like that not-so-cute guy sitting on the bar, but full of attitude and bad boy looks and okay enough smile, and you're seriously hoping he would be great to talk to, and it would be an even bigger bonus if he'd be a good kisser later on. we were always anticipating for something to happen, for someone to happen, and something always does. we always had a good time, for me at least for even if "someone" did not happen, i always always had fun with my friends, good or bad times, it didn't matter. sigh sigh sigh. those days are gone now of course. each of us burdened with so-called grown up responsibilities. we are always in the middle of something, not like before when it felt like we were always on the verge of something. words like carefree and mirth and fun were like coins jingling in our pocket, ready to be doled out every time we needed to buy candy. but those were the days, and these are the days. it's not so bad to be in the middle. you can always go back or go forward. or stay, and anticipate the next step that you'll take. these are the days, these are the days. and that's all there is to it.